Spouses and Children

Going to prison is a severe strain on family ties. If you are married when you enter prison, the odds are stacked against you. Studies show that 85% of marriages collapse when one spouse goes to prison, even for a short stay. But even though the odds look grim, marriages can survive—and even thrive! —behind bars.

For more information on how you and your spouse can maintain and preserve your marriage.You can also find additional resources on marriage and relationships on our website.

The Unwritten Codes You have to Know Quickly

When that prison gate slams shut behind you, you will have entered a new world. There will be a new culture and a new language to learn. How can you fit in and stay out of trouble? What if you make a mistake? Who can you trust? Every prison is different, but most correctional facilities follow a “prison code.””The code isn’t written down, but it is passed down to prisoners year after year,” explains former prisoner Ron Humphrey in the Prison Survival Guide. “It includes some commonsense principles that can help safely guide you through your time in prison. But many of its rules continue the cycles of hostility, distrust, and selfish behavior that don’t make prison life easier and do not prepare you for life outside.”

DON’T BE STUPID and Protect Yourself

Be careful about owing anybody anything. Debts (in or out of prison) are future trouble. They don’t add much to your respect either. The bill may come due at an awkward or unexpected time. Avoid asking for favors from people you don’t know. Everything has its price.
Avoid volunteering information about your personal life until you know you can trust someone. As they told you when they read you the Miranda rights, it “may be used against you.”
Listen more than you talk. Don’t whine or complain. Everyone is suffering. Learn, endure, and you can make a good transition to prison life.

Your Spouse is going Through the same or Worse Than You

TIPS FOR INCARCERATED SPOUSES

• Get over your self-pity and accept responsibility for the actions that put you in prison. Only then can you get a fresh start on life and your marriage.
• Learn to communicate with your spouse honestly. Your conviction has damaged their trust and confidence in you. Rebuilding your spouse’s trust will take time and is essential to saving the relationship.

CAN YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR CHILD SURVIVE INCARCERATION?

Children of prisoners—more than 1.5 million of them across the U.S.—often pay a terrible price when a parent goes to prison. First of all, they’ve just lost a mom or a dad. And that mom or dad has been locked away. Can you imagine the emotions these children are suffering? Fear. Insecurity. Abandonment. Guilt. Shame. Loneliness. Anger. Grief.
Sometimes, sad to say, the children may be relieved when a parent goes to prison. At least in prison Dad or Mom can no longer hurt the family … or themselves.

ASSURE YOUR CHILD THEY ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR ABSENCE

In most cases, children still love their imprisoned parents deeply and miss them terribly. So, if you have children, please don’t let your own loneliness, anger, guilt, or pain keep you from doing everything you can to build strong relationships with them, even while you’re separated by prison. Even if you don’t think you’ve been a very good parent in the past, you can now use this time to make a fresh start in parenting.

Children often think they are somehow to blame for a parent’s imprisonment. They may wonder: Did I do something wrong? Did Daddy go away because he doesn’t love me anymore? Did Mommy start using drugs because I was bad? Reassure your kids—again and again if necessary—that you are in prison because of what you did, not because of anything they did. They are not to blame.

The biggest risk may be admitting to your kids that you have made some bad choices and asking their forgiveness for the ways you have hurt them. This may not be easy, but by taking this step, you will begin to rebuild strong bonds with your children. Be willing to risk receiving their anger or other strong emotions. Accept that their feelings are normal and don’t make them feel guilty or ashamed for having them. Be open to letting them talk through their feelings and concerns with you. This helps them see that you are a safe person for them, someone they can trust to be there for them.

PARENTING FROM PRISON

If you’re an incarcerated parent who wants to preserve your relationship with your child, we encourage you to download the Prison Survival Guide. We have compiled 10 tips that will help you get started. You will also find helpful information on how to maintain good physical and mental health, as well as tips on preserving your marriage.